Elimination Communication

We decided before Ada was born that we wanted to try Elimination Communication. We went into it with no expectation of catching all or even some of Ada's pees and poops. It's fun to try, and it's far less stressful to try this out now than potty training will be a year or two from now. There's no notion of success or failure, and there's no pressure on Ada to perform.

We've recently seen some unexpected results. In the past couple of days, Ada has pooped/peed in the potty 3 times. She has also been staying dry while sleeping.

We haven't noticed any visual cues for when she needs to go, we just take her and hold her over the potty after the following situations

• When we change her diaper. Babies sometimes don't like go in a diaper that's already messy, so they hold it until they encounter the fresh air.
• When she wakes up. The need to poop can wake a baby up, so we take her to the potty when she wakes up.

I say "we", but really Erinne has done everything and I just write about it.

Spanking makes kids dumber

From an NPR article here.

This guy has conducted two studies (published here and here) that suggest that not spanking leads to higher IQs. There have been other studies that demonstrate the connection between spanking and lower success rates as adults.

It's often difficult to make conclusions from statistical data like this; it could simply be the case that kids are poorer and dumber because their parents are poorer and dumber, and that poor and dumb people just happen to spank their kids more often. However, he claims he was able to adjust for socio-economic factors, indicating that the relationship between spanking and the child's IQs is causal.

Some more none-of-your-business

When Erinne was still pregnant, we saw a woman on the train hit her toddler. It was about 11pm, the woman was on the phone with an ex-boyfriend trying to get back together with him, and her child was in a stroller crying for attention, so she smacked her for being annoying.

Why didn't we say anything? Why didn't we do anything? First, It was not on obvious enough case of abuse to call the police. More importantly, if a mother is in the habit of hitting her child, then she's not going to stop just because some stranger on the train suggested it to her. Furthermore, anything we say to her is more likely to cause more harm to the child. I'd bet (and give you 2-to-1 odds) that if we had said something, she would have only become more angry at the child and been even harsher to her when they got home.

Which brings me to my story from today...

We went to the farmer's market. Erinne fed Ada at home before we left, and then again at the market before we left for home. On the streetcar, Ada got a little fussy. We interacted and played with her to keep her in a good mood. Apparently she just needed a change of scenery, because once we got off the streetcar she stopped crying.

However, while we were on the streetcar, a woman with a very concerned look on her face asked us if our child was hungry. I told her that we just fed her. She then said that our baby is cute, but by that time I had turned away and stopped responding to her.

Then, another woman made faces with Ada, and I turned Ada to her and let them interact. Then, she slipped in "Oh, do you want mommy to feed you, huh?".

I've already explained in a previous post that comments like this are inappropriate. But they are also pointless! If we were indeed neglecting the needs of our child, a comment from a stranger isn't going to correct our behavior. It is analogous to the woman who hit her child.

So, here's the conclusion that I am getting at. It does not matter if the parent is in fact doing something wrong (assuming it is even possible to make that claim objectively), because their behavior cannot be fixed with advice from a stranger on the train. Best case scenario is that you have no effect. Worst case is you piss off the parent and they take it out on their child.

Unsolicited parenting advice

I'm shocked by the things people say to us. It's like having a baby suddenly makes it OK for people to say all kinds of things to us that would otherwise be inappropriate. You wouldn't go up to a stranger and tell them that you think their clothes are ugly. You would not point at a couple across the street because they look adorable. And, you wouldn't call your mother/father/sibling just to tell them that they need to do the dishes more often. But, you would tell someone to their face that they're not doing the right thing with their baby?

First, let's distinguish between what is appropriate advice and what is inappropriate advice. It is certainly OK for someone to give advice when it is requested, or when it helps solve a problem we are having. It is not OK to give advice that contradicts our current actions or parenting style. So, for example, when Erinne posts a status update on Facebook and asks for suggestions on getting our baby to sleep, the responses that we get are appropriate. When someone points to us and says, "your baby cannot breathe in that wrap," or when a friend says that we should not feed our baby whenever she wants to eat, that is completely inappropriate.

The most offensive thing about these comments is that they presuppose that we are incapable of making good decisions for our child. We researched extensively and came to a conscious decision about how we want to raise our child, and it is not OK to tell us that that is wrong.

OK, I'm done talking about why some things are inappropriate. Next, I want to give some concrete examples of things people have said to us and why these things are incorrect, not just offensive.

"Your baby can't breathe in that wrap! Your baby is too hot in that wrap! Your baby is cold and needs a blanket!" We have had these things shouted at us. We have had a nurse roll her eyes at us because she did not believe us when we said our baby is fine.

I usually try to respond to these comments by providing as much information about the subject as I can, to show that I have educated myself on this and that I know what I am doing. Do people really think I don't know if my child is suffocating? Perhaps if I looked older and dressed better, I would appear more responsible and people would not do this to us?

Then, there's the advice we get from people regarding how to raise our child. If you find yourself giving us parenting advice that you know is in contrast to our chosen method, you might want to stop and ask yourself if your belief actually comes from a rational study of the facts, or if that's just what you believe. Also, don't assume you know more about this than we do; having raised a child yourself does not make you more qualified.

Rather than finish this article with examples of parenting advice that people give us inappropriately, I will follow it up with an article that talks about our particular parenting strategy and the advice that people sometimes give us that contradicts our strategy.

Cup Feeding

Cup feeding is an alternative way to feed a baby. More information and instructions are here.

Parents resort to bottle feeding (either formula or pumped milk) for a variety of reasons, some of which are the following:

• Mother does not produce enough milk
  
• Baby has trouble latching and sucking, such as when Baby is premature
• Mother's nipples hurt too much
• Mother cannot always be available to feed Baby
• Convenience
  

In some of the cases above, parents may desire to return to breastfeeding once the problem has been fixed. However, it is difficult to return to breastfeeding after a baby adapts to bottle feeding. Eating from the bottle is easier and Baby will learn a new way to latch and suck that will not work for breastfeeding. Fortunately, Mother has another option.

One can cup feed Baby by holding a cup of liquid up to and below their lower lip and letting Baby lap it up with their tongue. It is particularly useful if breastfeeding is not currently an option but Mother wants to try breastfeeding later after the problem has been fixed. For example, one can cup feed a premature newborn until their latching and sucking abilities have developed.

We use the cup feeding technique to give Ada water that has been soaked in barley and fennel, a remedy for indigestion.